shall13's Blog

Ever since Granddad died I have been unable to play music in the car or on my computer.  Dont know why I just do.

Passed away 20 April at 2am.

Granddad is in hospital.  He won't be coming out and he is probably not long for this world.  Two or three days at most probably.  I cope some of the time but at other times I fall apart.

OK so in March dad was away for 19 days.  Saturday is my 38th birthday in two years time I will be 40 oh hell

Well since the last time I did this Grandma took a turn for the worse turned a corner got a bit better turned another corner seemed worse got us all worried and so we wait to see just how long it is before she is no more.  Ex best friend is doing some very out  of character things all thanks to her fiance.  My brother and his wife have conceiving problems money worries travelling concerns and house that needs work done on it.  I on the other hand have had a night in a hotel for the first time all on my own had good news from my platonic friend and tried to cheer him up as well.  So good bad and OK.

Well my cash is here and I am spending it thank Grandparents.  They are going down hill fast at the moment but at least Grandma is not in hospital any more.  My life was looking great I am still seeing my married man and things we do have changed a bit and for me for the better it would seem.  No my great concern is my brother OK I still do not like his other half and they are still trying for a baby but failing.  No he has his own problems his car which he bought with cash from Grandparents like me and out cousins well it has to have a new head gasket before they head off on hols next week and to make things even worse the garage thats doing it A he used to work for B Is where my married man works and C he has not been paying bills on time so they demand half the cost up front otherwise it won't be done.  I hear one thing from one side and one thing from the other side and I am stuck firmly in the middle. Help all the worry is giving me a headache on the very morning I have an eye test.  AAAAAAARRRRRHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

So David's got a week off.  My brother and his wife are heading off on holiday for probably one of their two weeks off I am pleased as they are putting the cats into a cattery but thats extra money if they are so low on cash how are they paying for it.  The reasons they are having a holiday are simple they didn't have a honeymoon last year and on September 29th they will have their 1st wedding anniversary.  Also she desparately wants a baby but so far no luck so she is hoping a romantic night of passion on holiday might work only thing is nature might have other plans and of course she is still having to take the pills for her arthritus.  So I am not sure her plan will work she is so used to getting her own way but now mother nature is in charge and is making things difficult.  I still don't think they should be doing it if they are so short of money also if it comes to IVF next year they will only be able to do it if its free and that is not a gaurantee.  So we wait to see what happens.  I still wish they had never met and I still do not like her.

Well my old car has gone and I am £119 better off.  Tomorrow afternoon I am seeing steam.  Saturday morning I am heading to Norwich with £10 and mum on bus.  Saturday evening I am heading to coast if my luck is in David my married friend will join me I hope. So as a whole all good apart from car has non working reversing lights.

Where to start well my friend Elizabeth is about to move into a flat with her fiance miles away from her mother or even his mother I do think she is making a very big mistake but after last year I can not tell her that as she would not believe me and would never email me ever again so as far as I am concerned that's the end of a 12 year friendship I will send birthday and xmas cards this year and next or until they finally get married but after that I will be the last person on her mind so that's that am I sorry no not really she and i have stopped being true friends last year and now if I do not hear from her in months it wont bother me.  If she needs me she knows where I am.

My car well on monday I will get the possible cost of geting it to a state to pass the MOT if its more than £350 then we might as well consider a new car if its under well we will go ahead with it.  At least David will do it so A I know it will be done well and B he wont charge more than he has to.

I went to Kevins 44th birthday today which went as well as ever.

So they did not turn up on Fathers Day even though we now know he is on a weeks holiday and they won't be able to pop over next weekend as dad Grandparent sitting again.  So is this the week they finally make a baby as it would seem both are off work for some or all this week.  I do want Andrew to become a father and for me to be a proper Aunt but I just think they are trying too hard.  They have not been married a year yet.

Grandma seems to be OK after her Heart Attack and Granddad seems to be coping.  He went shopping with dad on Thrusday he has not done that in weeks.

Myself and my married friend have been enjoying our wednesday evenings an hour of each other all alone has been great taught me lots and made me feel loved like never before but now mum and dad have no more meetings to attend we are not sure when it will happen again.

So good and bad but OK I think.

So since the last blog no more said about babies unless they turn up on Suday Fathers day ad give us some news we wait to see about that.  In other big news well the only big news grandma had a heart attack her second so only one more and that will be it.  Now every time the phone rings and it my aunt my heart is in my mouth and pumping really hard which makes the noise in my right ear even louder and in turn winds me up.   My love life for what its worth has stopped for a while as there's no way the two of us can meet up I so need a house of my own and money.  Other  than that on the good side of life I have the prospect of two birthday parties to attend.  The first is on 30 June at 12 noon a meal out at a pub in Bury St Edmund's.  Its for a friend of mine he is in his 40s but his mind is that of about a 15 year old, he calls me his special friend and when he was attacked a couple of years ago apart from his family and house mates I was the only other person he told.  Also someone in our village retired earlier this year and had decided not to celebrate but being as village event got cancelled and everyone is feeling a bit down he has decided to celebrate and we can all enjoy ourselves.  So mixed bag of feelings but over all I am fine.

OK the Queens Golden Jubilee was ruined for me by my wisdom tooth coming though and breaking the one next to it.  This Jubilee has been ruined by my brothers wife.  If they had simply not arrived I would have said well that's no surprise and I would never have thought anything about it but to arrive say see you down the road but then not be there when we got there well it just makes you cross.  I could have lived with that but then dad told me something which makes everything just a bit more horrible and for me and mum even worse.  I honestly wish my brother had never met her but he has they are married and they have a house together and are now trying for a baby without success yet after just five months.  I just dont know what to feel about anything any more.

OK you go onto a website to get help and you think they are becoming friendly with you so you tell them something which because of what the subject of the website is you would expect helpful non judgemental comments.  No not a bit of it and now I am told well we don't know why you are on here talking about that.  So I hope you lot won't mind me talking about it on here instead.  GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

So many things look set to drive me mad.  Also I now have a dilemma and I am not sure what to do about it.  I made a decision and told someone something was not allowed only now I am not so sure about my decision now I am wondering if I should tell them they can but I don't want them to take it as an invitation to go too far.  Oh being an adult is difficult.

Well so he is getting a new boss in 10 weeks that could mean its easier or more tricky to see him.  Bills may need paying quicker or we will have more time.  Too many if buts may be's so make the most of May and June.

When this began I knew it would never be easy.  I knew there would be times when I needed him but he would not be there for me.  I knew he would never be mine.  I should never have told him my feelings I should have said  nothing kissed his cheek got out of the car and gone without another word but I didn't I made that big mistake of telling him how I felt about him.  So now the cat is out of the bag I have to live with feelings I have never felt before and I am scared as I am used to always being in control and now my feelings feel out of control and I have no idea what will happen.

Well since wednesday evening and what happened my feelings have changed.  Before not seeing him when planned was annoying but nothing else I could cope with the idea of going a week or two weeks without seeing him even for a second and I would still have been OK but since wednesday the thought that I wont see him next week at all which is what is going to happen fills me with horror and sadness and makes me want to cry.  When this all started it ment very little it was a bit of fun someone to talk to and the odd good night kiss.  But now I feel real feelings for him.  No not jump into bed feelings I know he is married I know where its gone is as far as it can go.  But I feel affection a need to see him even for just a minute.  The idea of never kissing him again fills me with horror.  I knew when it began I was sharing him that his family comes before me and I still know that but now I want him more than I did then. To hold his hand kiss his lips and hug him tight to tell him my feelings are still as they always have been.  Somehow I need this to stop before it drives me to do something that is wrong on more than one level but I also don't want it to stop any more.  People told me this would happen and it has and now I feel as if I am on a roller coaster out of control and it scares me.